a better me(zz)

I've had the opportunities to better myself. I grew up in a nice home with a nice family. I got to go to college, and then got to go to graduate school. I worked hard to find a job, and ended up with something that isn't my career choice but pays the bills and keeps me in a pretty cushy environment (with health insurance) for now. And I've had lots of awesome friends along the way.

So sometimes it's hard to keep things in perspective. When my life gets a little out of whack, I have this tendency to fling myself on my bed and say, "O, WOE is I! Why are things not perfect?" as I toss bon bons into my mouth by the dozen.

All right, I'm more of a potato chips girl than bon bon girl, but as you can see, I do seem to over-dramatize.

If my social life isn't what I want it to be, why don't I change that? I could branch out, bit by bit. (I wish there were a sure-fire way to make more friends post-college, but I'll have to accept that there really isn't.)

If I want to be more accomplished, why don't I change that as well? I could read more books, and actually, you know, write. Why don't I write anymore? Except for in my journal, that is. And that's mostly talk about how Josh Groban and I are MFEO and how my work life is really getting in the way of my online roleplaying.

I looked back at my list of books read this year, and I really didn't care for what I saw-- which was essentially... not much. As of now, I read fewer than 20 books in 2010. Granted, this is more than some people read in their whole lives, but I come from a mother who reads a book a day-- consistently. And it's definitely the least I've read in many years. 2011, you will be better. For now, I'm devouring as many books as I can (mostly nonfiction) in December.

I also got my boyfriend to start reading Harry Potter, which is a literary success all on its own.

But back to this whole over-dramatization thing. I seem to let little setbacks define me entire day, week, or month. I go on Twitter and write about how terribly my morning started off, just because my windshield wiper popped off and refused to re-attach when the windchill was -2. Granted, that wasn't fun, but it doesn't have to define my whole day.

As for the larger setbacks, I don't have to let those define me either. Today, I'm going to ignore the stubborn scale, and go to the gym. Tonight, I'm going to ignore how empty my fridge is and find something tasty to whip up without complaining that I can't afford something better. I'm not going to check my email a thousand times waiting for something amazing to happen in my social life. I'm going to accept it how it is, and move forward.

Today my friend Jason said to me, "I know it's cliche and lame, but people grow apart sometimes." And I will probably have to accept that. Without throwing myself onto my bed dramatically.

This all sounds well and good, doesn't it? "All right, Mezzie! Get out there and make it better!" But my attitude isn't going to change overnight. I think it's going to have to be more about accepting the things I cannot change... you know the rest.

Love,
Mezz

~

merry and bright

All's fair in love and war, and this is a bit of both.
~ Ron Weasley, HP and the Deathly Hallows

Well, kids, it's my favorite month, and favorite time, of the whole year. I've got to wonder why I can't seem to get this thrilled about any other season, but hell, ya just can't beat Christmas. And you know, Hannakuh, and Yule, and all that good stuff. Honestly, I should be crying about my financial status right now (and maybe I will later, I've penciled it into my schedule), but mostly I'm just excited about being almost done with my Christmas shopping.

There was a time when I bought Christmas presents for all of my friends... back in high school and for awhile, in college too. How the heck did I manage that? This year I'm only buying for my parents, my brother, my sister, my boyfriend, and my cousin Emily (which I usually just go in on with my sister). Oh, and of course the obligatory Secret Santa at work, which should only cost $5 plus a few $1 gifts (hello, Dollar Tree). All in all, well under $100. Granted, that's still enough to make me wonder how I'm going to afford any of it, but... okay, I just realized this has become quite a long paragraph about money, and it's boring. The point is, Christmas shopping is fun-- I can't help enjoying giving and receiving.

My true gift this year is that things are getting shaken up at work, and I think it's going to be great. Plus, today I was handed an assignment that will have me writing articles about what the people in my department do. It will require some research and lots of talks with the psychometricians who work here, but it's a vote of confidence in me, and that's fantastic.

Plus, my new cube-mate will be a research assistant who only works 20 hours a week (and who really has no authority or, I assume, interest in what I do), so I'm pretty psyched about having a little more privacy around here.

Have I mentioned that my brother has mono? He had a terrible sore throat and some nausea over Thanksgiving, and he was having what we thought were pains from the kidney stone (his ninth!) that hasn’t dropped from his kidney yet—but those turned out to be liver/spleen pains from the mono, as was everything else. My dad drove to IC and picked him up because he was so sick by Tuesday he couldn’t drive himself. He has to finish his classes from home… major suck. He has more ailments than anyone I've ever known. Sprained ankles, food poisoning, appendicitis, chronic kidney stones, mono... you name it, he's had it.

Let's see, what else is new. As of December 1, I've been with the boyfriend for one year. Never had an anniversary before, but from what I can tell (seeing HP7 again and then talking about it for another two hours), they're my kind of thing. We had a very cozy weekend-- not only did the world get to wake up to a winter wonderland, on Saturday, we watched Christmas Vacation, Scrooged, and The Santa Clause, baked cookies, and went Christmas shopping at the mall plus two separate bookstores. I intend to make every weekend in December this fabulous!

Time to pack in and get ready to hit the gym. If I'm going to keep partaking in all these fabulous Christmas treats, I've got to burn some cals somehow. Christmas workout list, here I come!

Love,
Mezz

~

Shutterfly

I'm pretty excited about the present I made for my mom for Christmas this year. It's totally filled with really, REALLY cheesy captions, but as my brother said... that's what Mom loves more than anything in the world.

Click here to view this photo book larger

prac-tic-ally perfeeeeect, in ev'ry way

Two scoops of crazy with a side of coo-coo-cachoo.
~ Kristin Chenoweth, You Again

Well, it's been a few weeks since my last entry, and I've had my ups and downs when it comes to those wellness goals I've been talking about. You may recall that these include:

1. Spending less money;
2. Exercising more;
3. Eating well.

They all tie into each other-- spending less money means buying more groceries and eating well at home (i.e. less going out to eat), and that makes me want to supplement my wellness by exercising more, and exercising more means wanting to eat better so I don't sabotage it all.

So. How has this worked out for me lately?

It started out very well, by establishing a regular gym routine (a high intensity workout at the gym on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, and attempting some low intensity workout (like a walk or at least walking for a few hours around the mall) on the weekend). After about a month of decent effort, I stumbled a little. I had a couple of weeks where I really had to force myself to go to the gym after work-- it was so easy to just drive home and sit on the couch after my long day at work!

Here's what I noticed:

Working out and putting forth lots of effort:
- more energy
- less anxiety
- able to actually sleep through the night (amazing for me)

Not working out/putting forth effort:
- tired and irritable
- anxiety returned at minor level
- once again, poor sleep, tossing and turning
- had poorer eating habits

You'd think this solid evidence would be enough to kick it into gear for me. But anyone who has struggled with weight knows that it just ain't that easy. You've got to really want to do it.

I was able to really gauge the differences between those two separate three-week periods by my appointments with my awesome and beautiful counselor, Holly. I was so excited to tell her about how I was feeling when I first started working toward those wellness goals. At my next appointment, after I'd fallen off the wagon a little, well... I just wasn't feeling as good.

I feel a new motivation as a result. I made a mini-goal at that last counseling session: for the next three weeks (until the next time I met with Holly), I would not miss any workout sessions (Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday). Well, so far, I've accomplished two out of those three weeks, and I have confidence that I can complete the third week.

Last night as I ran on the elliptical, I noticed that while I'm not at the level of fitness I reached during my intense workout days in Michigan, I'm definitely getting there. When I first returned to the workout scene, I couldn't believe how out of shape I'd gotten since 2007-2009. Why had it seemed so easy to run so long and so fast back then? Well, I've really built up some endurance. For now I'm not lengthening the workout at all, but I'm definitely amping up the speed and intensity of it. When I feel myself naturally pushing even harder than that, I'll tack more minutes on.

So, two weeks without missing a workout, and what have I noticed?

- very little anxiety
- AMAZING SLEEP, mostly on the nights after I've worked out that day

I don't usually go all the way through the night without waking up, but I don't toss and turn and find it difficult to get comfortable at all. It's certainly not perfect sleep, but it is a WORLD away from what I've been experiencing this year.

Honestly, the sleep alone has been enough to have me adding extra workouts on my Saturdays (and if you know me, you know I despise exercising on the weekends!). Amazing!

Has the scale gone down? Well, not exactly. I've been circling the same five pounds for three or so months now. It's incredibly frustrating. It seems like every time I get down to the bottom of the decade, either my period or Halloween or a co-worker's birthday at work or a day trip with the Boy or a night out with my sister happens... and it's all "uphill" from there.

I know what really needs to happen: I need to starting watching what I eat and stop relying on workouts and that natural lifestyle-changing weight loss that happened over the past year to get me through. I'm going to have to go back to the plan I know works for me (Weight Watchers). However, Holly and I have discussed my tendency to overwhelm myself (and build myself up for failure that's difficult to recover from) when I try to pile on lots of goals all at once, so I haven't quite made that big change yet. I'm getting there!

This entry was prompted by a discussion my work pal and I had at lunch today, and we had the idea to shoot for a long-term goal in March. Then we can reward ourselves a little for a day. I know that this is going to require a lot of work and dedication on my part, especially with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's standing in the way, so I've got my work cut out for me!

You can do it, Mezzie!

(See? It's totally all about confidence. Here's hoping by my next entry I'll still be on the right track.)

Love,
Mezz

OH. MY. GOD.

Something pretty damn insane just happened.

So, I read Ken Levine's blog. He's a writer/director, most known for M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, and I dunno, some other cool shows. His blog is great. A few days ago he wrote a post about The Social Network-- I commented, for the first time ever, agreeing that it was a great movie but echoing the comments I wrote in my last entry about how I wished the women were better portrayed.

Well, I checked his blog today, as I usually do, and... here's where the exclamation points come in.

AARON SORKIN HIMSELF WROTE A RESPONSE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Through Ken's blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ken even copied my full comment! I feel a little embarrassed that I was basically criticizing something about Aaron's movie (especially since I am a HUGE fan of The West Wing and even Studio 60), but he was totally cool about it and thus yet no one has bashed me too hard in the comments or anything so my psyche remains intact Anyway, the link is here! Aaugh!

I am Tarazza, obviously. I commented (which is embarrassingly lengthy), hopefully I don't sound too stupid or star-struck*. To be honest I didn't have much to add to the debate since I haven't really changed my opinion on how the women are portrayed, so mostly I just commented on how I worship both Ken and Aaron Sorkin. Ah well. I can't be brilliant all the time.

Anyway, Aaron Sorkin = total class act.

*Even though I am, in fact, pretty star-struck.

~

tivovovovovovovovo

Because sometimes you have something you need to say, but you can't because the words won't come out, or you get scared, or you feel stupid. But if you could write a song and sing it, then you could say what needed to say, and it would be beautiful, and people would listen, and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself. But all of us can't be song writers, so some of us will never get the chance to say what we're thinking, or what we want other people to know that we're thinking, so we'll never get the chance to make things right again ever... So give this guy a license!

~ Rory Gilmore

On Monday night, my friend Johanna and I put on our hipster caps and headed off to the Bijou theatre to see the decided non-hipster documentary Waking Sleeping Beauty, which, if you can find it, is so worth a watch. It documented the era of Disney when they had just about given up on animation/movies at all, and the Nine Old Men were on their way out, to their major comeback with movies like The Little Mermaid through The Lion King. Essentially, the years 1984-1994. The politics behind the scenes were details, and holy crap. Really fascinating. Also, there were lots of great shots of the animators working and things like Jerry Orbach and Angela Lansbury recording "Be Our Guest" (auuugh!). The best parts were the ones featuring Howard Ashman, who was obviously a really amazing person but was even more opinionated and involved in the stories of the films he worked on than I realized. What a cool guy. Just bring some tissues, because when he dies, if you're anything like me you'll cry like a baby.

I've been enjoying the new TV season, and found some new shows that I enjoy. Some of them ($#!* My Dad Says, Outsourced) I really just began watching out of curiosity and so I could say I've seen an episode, and some I started but quickly dropped when I couldn't force myself to feign interest again (Hawaii Five-O).

So far my favorite of the new shows is The Whole Truth. Perhaps the concept will wear thin, but thus far I'm quite intrigued by learning what really happens only after the jury has delivered the verdict.

HIMYM has not yet redeemed itself of last year's catostrophically terrible season, but it's been a step up so far.

You know what totally gets my vote for the best start to the New TV Season? Law and Order: SVU. Freakin' BLOWING ME AWAY this season. (Oh, and Medium kicks ass too, but the only other person I know that watches it is my mom.)

For the record, shows I'm watching (* indicates new show) are:

Sunday
Desperate Housewives

Monday
HIMYM
Mike & Molly*
Hawaii Five-O* (dropped)
The Event* (dropped)
Castle (saving for later)
House (saving for later)

Tuesday
Glee
Raising Hope*
Running Wilde*
The Good Wife (saving for later)

Wednesday
The Middle
Better With You*
Modern Family
Cougar Town
Law & Order: SVU
The Whole Truth*
Undercovers* (saving for later)

Thursday
Grey’s Anatomy
Private Practice
Community
The Office
30 Rock
Outsourced* (dropped)
$#!* My Dad Says*
The Big Bang Theory

Friday
Blue Bloods* (saving for later)
Medium

Not counting the shows I'm saving for later (obviously), that equals out to 14 hours of TV a week, which I don't really think is so bad since that's about two hours a day on average. It's still more time than I spend reading, though, so I need to work on that.

Because I'm a nerd, I just figured out how much TV that is considering I skip commercial breaks.

7 hour long shows @ 43 minutes each = 300 mins
13 half-hour shows @ 23 minutes each = 201 mins
= 600 mins / 60 mins = 10 hours

So really, ten hours a week? That's not that bad, right?

~

cool chicks, bad writing

Regarding women in The Social Network and other films.

No spoilers, except for a very minor one for Get Him to the Greek, I promise.

I previously posted that I really enjoyed The Social Network. And that's true, I did, and I highly recommend seeing it, particularly if you recall those days when Facebook was all about the exclusivity (ie, only students at certain colleges could join). But I did have one complaint about the film, and it's analyzed very well in this article. (Read it! Actually, go see the movie, then read it.)

The women. There are very few-- only one or possibly two that I can really think of-- who are portrayed as more than idiotic groupies or sex objects or crazy bitches. (Mark's girlfriend in the opening scene may also be an exception, but it's hardly a shining example due to what happens next).



I find this bothering me more and more as I get older, especially when I look at things through my boyfriend's eyes, because I don't think it really occurs to a lot of men (please note, not all men) to necessarily come away from a movie saying, "Wow, there sure weren't many women in this movie" or "wow, they sure didn't write very strong female characters in this movie," etc. And I don't think it's just a woman's job to think about (or write about) these things.

The most actually offended I've recently been at a movie was Get Him to the Greek. Parts of it were funny and even bordered on touching, but I came away being a bit grossed out about, well, the gross-out bits, and a bit disgusted by the women. They mainly existed to take off their clothes (oh yes, plenty of nudity there), have sex with the lead male characters, and be crazy and moronic. The one exception was Jonah Hill's character's girlfriend, aka the always-great Elisabeth Moss-- but even she was ill-treated considering she was a smart (a doctor, no less!), pretty girl paired up with an idiotic, nasty dude (naturally his gross-ness is played up for comedy, including the shot of his naked backside-- definitely not sexy, definitely intended for laughs)-- who cheats on her and is instantly forgiven. Not to mention that at the end-- spoiler alert-- she agrees to a threesome with the two [male] leads.

Ick.



Plenty of movies exist out there with strong, smart, funny female leads. A prime example at the moment is Olive in Easy A (though there is the irony of the fact that everyone believes her to be a slut-- still, we the audience know better).



Of course, we could talk all day about the fact that Emma Stone is gorgeous and appears in what amounts to lingerie throughout the entire movie, but then, that's the point, of course. It's both there to draw people (men) in to the box office, and there because it's ironic. Either way, Olive is still a fantastic female character.

I just wish that all movies, not just the ones with a special interest in a woman's perspective, would take such care in illustrating awesome women and girls.

~

musings on a wednesday

When you feel your heart’s guarded
When you see the break has started
When the clouds have all departed
You’ll be right here with me

~ Brandy

I randomly decided to do a bunch of "research" on Brandy the other night-- this may or may not have been inspired by the fact that the R&H remake of Cinderella was on TV-- and decided to download one of her more recent songs. Gosh darn if I don't really enjoy it. Then I watched Dancing with the Stars with my pal Angela the other night and saw Brandy dressed in a schoolgirl outfit dancing the jive. Life, you're weird.

I'm doing pretty well with the whole Life Goals thing. Last night, I went to the gym and worked out. My iPod died 20 minutes in, which sucked since I far prefer listening to music to watching TV whilst I sweat, but I caught the beginning of Melissa and Joey, and obviously all was well. I spent the rest of the evening cooking a relatively healthful dinner of pasta and veggies and watching TV. And thus far, I've managed not to buy anything frivolous. I am however buying lunch at the cafeteria today rather than eating my leftovers, because come on-- it's chicken quesadilla day! If I can't have Panchero's, you best let me have my quesadilla at the cafeteria.

It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, unfortunately. On Monday, my old classmate Joe from middle/high school was killed in a accident. He apparently ran the second stop sign on Anson/18th Ave in M-town and his truck was hit by a cement truck.

I hate to say the words "it doesn't really surprise me" but the truth is, it's not completely shocking. This may have been an honest mistake, but Joe was always a little reckless. It's funny; I often think about the time in high school, before play rehearsal started and he, Jessica E, and I hopped in his truck and went out to Morrison to his house to get something... we were on gravel roads and he was going so fast, I felt a little reckless myself.

And actually, I felt a little special that we were hanging out. He was like a bad boy I was a little intimidated by and a little snobbish about and having his attention like that was exciting. Even if his gravel-driving skills were a little too edgy and good for a 16 or 17 year old.

But Joe was amazing with cars, even back then. He got an AA degree in mechanics and had gone back to get his BA in something mechanics/car-related as well. I remember him always being out in the shop when I had a study hall out there in the ag building. I was always in awe of those guys who knew how to do anything out there.

I have a lot of funny memories of Joe. He and Nicole B "dated" back in middle school, and they were joined at the hip. I remember questioning Nicole a lot about what they talked about-- the idea of having a boyfriend back then was so foreign and mysterious to me.

Joe was a bit of a hoodlum, to be honest, but he wasn't stupid. He was smart, and friendly, and quick. Although, he did have a bit of that boyish brand of stupidity in him-- he and Chase used to chase each other with BB guns, shooting at each other like complete morons.

Boys.

Another memory that makes me shake my head with laughter and amused disapproval is the time he and Cole rode Joe's bike out to Deidra's house. We were all hanging out at Deidra's for a sleepover-- must have been eighth grade-- jumping on her trampoline and watching movies. Cole had just had his infamous and defining episode: shooting half his foot off with his dad's shotgun. He was still in his cast, riding around on the back of Joe's bicycle, which was one of those little stunt bikes, and they rode that damn bike all the way out to Deidra's house just outside the Brook. Miles. Joe was already exhausted and naturally Cole's foot hurt like hell, and they still had to bike all the way home again.

But they wanted to hang out with some girls, so they did it anyway.

So long, Joe. You always seemed like a pretty decent guy.


~

Life Goals: Easy as Pie

Announcement: this girl is my hero.



As per usual, I've been thinking a lot about my life. You know, what I want to accomplished today, tomorrow, five years from now, fifteen years from now...

But that's a little overwhelming, so let's start with just today and tomorrow.

I'm going to suck up my completely immature jealousy about other people in my age group who are currently enjoying the embarkment of actual careers, or at least, are working in their field of choice. You could make a stretch and say that I'm working in my field because ACT is an educational institution, but let's not kid ourselves: I'm no more teaching English/writing at the moment than I am on a hunt for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Nor am I really making great strides in my partially*-real ambition to be a published writer.

*I say partially because while I would love to be a published writer, so would half the population, and I'm not unrealistic.

All that said, I don't want to give the impression that I've given up. Give up now, in your 20s, and you can pretty much kiss your life-long ambitions goodbye, that's what I think. (I know, I know, it's never too late-- but the chances of making the life I actually want happen should start now. Right? Right.)

Last night, while watching a rerun of one of my favorite shows, The Middle, I realized that 14-year-old Sue Heck (pictured above) is exactly the sort of girl I want to be. She fails at pretty much everything (no, really), yet she doesn't give up. She stumbles around that track five times despite crutches, rain, and general conspiracy against her, and gosh darn if she doesn't make that no-cut cross country team in the end.

Honestly, I nearly cried.

So what do I want to tackle first, bearing the spirit of Sue in mind? There are plenty of options here:

1. That neverending weight loss journey-- 40 pounds down since '09, yet since July my progress has not-so-mysteriously halted. When exactly am I going to make my gym membership an actual investment instead of a guilt-inspiring charge on the credit card? When am I going to start actually craving dinners that don't come from the grill at Panchero's or a drive-thru window?

2. My writing ambitions-- graduate school was great, but it kicked my ass and I spent the year following graduation pretty much exhausted and burned out on creative nonfiction. Now, however, it's submission season, and damn it, I need to get submitting. If I have to read one more obnoxiously pretentious Facebook status update from one of my MFA friends who are off doing super amazing things, I'm going to choke myself with my own thesis.

3. Perhaps most pressing, my financial situation. I'm on the right track, six months into an actual, non-temp job with benefits and all, but boy oh boy am I scraping the bottom of the savings account barrel. Actually, that's misleading, as it makes it sound like there's anything in my savings account (there's not). At the arrival of each paycheck, I fill Suki with gas, I pay my rent, I pay my student loan (egads), and I pay my various bills.

After that, I seem to squander the very minimal leftover cash on jewelry (but seriously, I love accessories. Can a girl really ever have too many accessories?! CAN SHE?), books (Lord girl, there are three public libraries within a ten-mile radius. So WHY?), and the mother of all money-sucks: RESTAURANTS. The cafeteria at work, fast food, sandwich places, Mexican grill, sit-down restaurants, Chinese takeout, you name it, I've probably squandered my paycheck there. And why? Why can I not make myself reign it in and prepare some gosh darn meals for myself? Lord knows it would probably kick-start the whole weight-loss thing as well (unless I cater to my cravings for mac-and-cheese several times a week. Mmmmm mac and cheese in the shape of Spider-Man or Toy Story characters...) I digress.

I think I need to be like Sue and keep my eye on the prize. Sure, making my own meals comprised of healthful ingredients, whilst, you know, working on my Pulitzer Prize-winning novel may feel like a painfully difficult existence... but I must remember Sue. Trudge on crutches through the rain around that cross-country track today... be rich, healthy, and successful tomorrow.

It's a good plan.

~

begin the beguine

Hi, new blog. I have very little time before work is over, so I'll just post one of my favorite poems. That's right... my first post is something akin to theft.

Litany

by Billy Collins

You are the bread and the knife,
The crystal goblet and the wine...
-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.